Back...for now...and all I want to do is punch a wall.
Let blood be shed...and my vengnce be swift and silent.
But my heart aches, with sadness and fear
And I am afraid to know...
Or afriad to choose...
What I want.
Perhapes being dead
Is better than being alive,
I don't know...
And I am afraid to find out...
Let tears run down my face,
Let blood run down my skin.
Let pain mask pain.
Let death come swift and sharp.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hey!
You shouldve kept going! This is really really good. I loved how you pieced this together. There's absolutely nothing to critisize.
<3:
layla
Hey Lady!
This poem could use a little less iffiness, if that makes sense. Right now, it seems like you're trying not to say something definitively, which is never good! First you're angry, then you're sad, then you're afraid, then you want to die? WHOA. Slow down! Instead of just blurting out all your feelings and letting them stand as they are - very confused -- try to sort them out and then use your reflection of your feelings to create a really strong poem. It'll be a lot better, honest.
Hi. I like this poem. I'm not gonna bother with any of the spelling or grammatical stuff so I'll just say that perhaps you could make it a little longer, give it a bit of backbone as to why the person is feeling heart ache and sadness, and as to why the person is afraid of death. I found it an interesting poem though, so good work!
Two things in this piece I want to change.
Even those little mistakes like spelling errors take away from the piece. Double check every time.First:
Second:
The comma at the end of the first line is a little bizarre, because the next line feels like its own sentence, although it's short. A way to lengthen it and keep the comma, because I can see how it can connect well, try this;
is better than being alive,
but I just don't know...
That'll keep the length stronger on the second line in that pair and keep it connected.
Aside from those two concerns, it's a great piece. My favorite bit is the four end lines, because it runs in a sort of form that's different from the rest of the piece, and it wraps it up nicely and solidly.
Have a lucky day!